And then suddenly

And then suddenly I got the job. Suddenly I could afford rent and pay those bills sitting on the kitchen bench. And then suddenly I didn't have just nothing to do during the day. And then suddenly God answered my prayers and came through. And suddenly they changed the hours for me to work my ideal shifts. It's amazing how things can change in a moment. A phone call or a few small conversations. It's funny how our prayers from yesterday are today's wins. How small changes add up to something that is grand. 

What greater joy than to see prayers be answered. Than to live a life in complete surrender to the possibility of faith. What great pleasure it is to see God in all his splendour. 

Signing off,

Your pleased girl.

Where nothing else matters

Since I have been diagnosed everything has changed. The things I used to find funny are no longer hilarious and small things are beginning to bother me. I have changed. I am now taking strong medication that alters my brain, quite literally. Never have I been so dependant in all my life. On Kuj, on you God. Some things remain though, like the darkness of anxiety or my deep breathing when the room is quiet. My faith remains. My faith in a love that is so powerful it casts out all fear.    
I could really use a strength like yours oh God. I feel as though I am falling into a deep dark pit of nothingness and need you to pull me out. I need your grace more now than ever, looking down on me with eyes of grace and love. Only you know the future and what appears to me to be lacking in all areas, only you know the truth. You are my solid rock in times of need. You are my only constant in all of this. 

Thank you that I have breath, Thank you that I have a loving partner who shows me more of you every day. There is a real art to the love you both share that I could never come between. He prayed for me last night and I felt you in the room. I could tell his heart is pure and right and I would to be more like him. With a child like faith and to pray with the right motives. I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness. I know you see me as a strong woman and God I would like to see myself that way too. Please show me how I can grow and become more like you. Show me how to trust in the fact that everything will be okay and turn out alright. I long to feel you close all day and I long for your closeness to wrap me up tightly throughout the day. God, when did things get so confusing. I once was your little girl twirling around my room crying from happiness I only found in you. 

I would fall to my knees laughing at how loyal you were in every situation. I would read scripture with an open heart and I would never question you. I would go for walks with you and pick flowers for you. I would never think twice before attending a church service and I would never hold back from lifting my hands. Sometimes your love would wash over me so hard I would belly laugh or burst into tears. The power you had over me was more than I could ever ask for and I long to feel this way again. To not be scared or second guess myself. To live in complete peace and have patience with the things I don't understand. I wouldn't be scared of the future and I would put my trust in you. I would live inside the palm of your hands and not waiver from you. That I would have more things to be thankful for and not struggle to find reasons to praise you. I know you're real, something in me tells me that you are the only thing I am sure about. I don't know what I would do if you weren't real. You are my only hope right now. You are so overwhelming and I can feel you tonight. I can feel a presence around me holding me. Keeping me safe and reminding me I can trust you. I will run to you because I know you are lover of my heart and healer of my scars. You steady my heart, you call to me, you know me. 

Please show me you in the small things in the next few days. Please show me your heart for me and settle my nerves. Please grant me an inner peace that I cannot comprehend. Things are crumbling around me but you stay constant and I really need that right now. There are a few things I am not ready to face and I cannot face alone. I would really like you to go before me and lead me. Please tell me that everything will be okay and oh I pray it will be. I pray that tomorrow will be okay. I pray that I will not be anxious as I have lay everything in your hands. You have gone before me and know what is going to happen before I do. Thank you that you already know. I like to take control and be the one to make things happen. But I find a sense of protection of knowing I don't have to have it all figured out tonight. I don't have to be afraid before you have gone before me. You have made a way for me to be real and also succeed. In you there is truth and I thank you that I can be real with you. When I have hit rock bottom or when I am celebrating. 

Sweep me away in your love where nothing else matters. 

But wait there's more

Sometimes life takes you by surprise.
Like the day my family told me they are relocating to QLD in the following 2 months which gave me 2 months notice before I had no place to live... Or the time rent was due and I hadn't budgeted for it and sat up all night feeling sorry for myself.
Or how about that time your little sister tells you she is no longer a kid and has managed to say "no" to drugs more in 1 year than you have ever in your lifetime.

Or how about that time you took your old job to court because you were sexually harassed and the commissioner looking into your eyes and saying there is nothing they can do. There will always be that time I ticked the wrong box on my Tax form and got taxed 30% on my first Full Time Pay. Or the moment I finally got the job I have been fighting 3 years for...

My life has come to abit of a halt lately. Not a Saturday night goes by without thinking about maybe going to church the following day. Or setting alarms to get up for gym every morning and NEVER actually getting up. I think things have changed alot since I moved out of home or since my family moved up to QLD. For the first time ever I have been the favorite child with having a job and considering study. I can sit and talk business with Dad but my sister can't. That's the only upper hand I have. Recently she has also considered study and got a job so I believe I have found my place in second..

It's funny how people change and these people are meant to be your own flesh and blood... But something in them feels they need to compete with you? Like it's a game.
I want nothing but to feel accepted within his family and when it comes down to who is praying more or who is working harder... it can all get lost as to how much of a family we are. I learnt this when my dad admitted himself into a mental home 50 minutes away from my step mum and she didn't even care. I watched my dad sit through a wedding doped up on pills of Valium and his daughter laughing at him. Being the only one taking care of him, I have never felt so low about family in my life.

I have learnt that as long as your heart is in the right place and you are humble... things will work out for you. That doesn't mean that it will make your life peachy and everything will be perfect, it just means you will soldier on and become a better person than you were.

I look forward to learning humility- knowing that life will happen. But I can control my own and hold my own. And that's enough to keep my wanting to grow.

Singing off,

Your hopeful girl.

I can't make you love me if you don't

As the song goes, I can't make you love me if you don't.

To those who are currently throwing darts at my face on a poster in the comfort of their own home... I can't make you love me. To the reflection I see in the mirror everyday, I can't make you love me if you don't. It's not that I hate you- it's that I don't love you like I should. 
I spose you can't control who you love, just like you can't control who you don't. 
I have the issue, of loving those people too much then they decided I'm not worth loving the other 50% of our friendship/relationship. And let me tell you, that hurts like hell. Like 100 out of control bush fires, in hell. 
I wish I knew what I did wrong for you to not love me anymore. When it wasn't long ago we were painting our nails in your bathroom and sharing a bottle of wine. What did I do to make you so angry and leave me like I was nothing. I wish I only knew, because I haven't stopped thinking about it since you never replied to my last message. I dream about it and wake up in tears. Everyone tells me you aren't worth it, but I know the truth. I know what we have been through & I know what I feel. I want you to know that, even though I can't make you love me if you don't... I hate myself for it. Congratulations, is that what you wanted? I hate myself and can't even smile at my own face anymore, because of how much it hurts you aren't in my life anymore. You truly have hurt me and all I want to do is hurt myself for it. I am so sick of crying over you, not like you really give a shit anymore anyways. You are truly making my life a living hell and it's all because I can't make you love me if you don''t. I can't help but think that this whole time I have made you love me. Maybe that's what I've done for years towards myself too... Made myself love me, even when I don't.
All I know is that it's getting hard again, it's getting so hard to seem happy and pretend like it doesn't bother me. But all I can do is cry and let it out, otherwise it grows like a disease. People think I'm crazy and maybe I am. But truth is I am sad. My body, my voice, my hair, my laugh, my face... even my beliefs, I can't make myself love me if I don't. But I can't continue to live like this. It hurts not feeling good enough.
I have a too good a boyfriend for me and as the stories go, it's only a matter of time before he realizes that. And I'm scared it'll be soon. I've been with guys who are too good for me and within days they tell me to my face it was only to make someone else jealous, or that it was just because they felt sorry for me. I know he loves me, but what do you do when you feel like you love someone more than they love you...?

I spose love them anyway, because I can't help but love you just the way I do.

Signing out,
Your girl.

Too much love for the wrong people and not enough for the ones who matter.

Seeing Life From Such A Height

Setting fire to our insides for fun ♥


I am at peace when I am with you, you really are bringing me undone. Unravelling my heart like it was wrapped up in string & I am loosing all grip to hold onto my self & I cling to you. It's almost as though you know there is more to me than what you can see & you will waste no time bringing me back to a place of contentment. Many walk by, yet you seem to really get me. You know I long to be free, perhaps even happy. Show me God, teach me God, help me God, to be truly free, truly happy & truly me. I know I am in there somewhere, unravel me and reveal my heart, the real deal. I can feel that you are doing something, how exciting! It's only upward from here, draw me closer. Pull me in and kiss my forehead, whisper how proud you are of me. Love every inch of my body, even the parts science hasn't discovered yet. Give me a giant hug on the inside and breathe life back into my dead bones. I open up my arms & close my eyes, I breathe you in and I breathe you out. I will live & breathe new life, I will live as though I am the luckiest girl to be alive & I will fall in love with more of this world. Living outside of my own shadow, chasing more than the ends of rainbows & living for more than just tomorrow. It's time to loose myself in the unknown & to cling to what makes me the best I can be. You happen to be exactly what I've spent eighteen years searching for, so be prepared for a new chapter. You & Me, Me & You. Let's begin to speak love, live love, be love.


Signing off, 
You're surrendered girl.

Head Under Water

Tonight, I hid under the noise of this world. I ran a bath & closed my eyes with my body submerged under water. It got me thinking, when was the last time I heard absolute silence? I was then interrupted by a constant rhythm, my heart beat. Funny how since the moment you are born, your heart continues to beat. Like the world continues to spin & the days continue to come. A beating heart, a visual of the complexity of a greater power and a higher love. Who is great enough to place inside a person a heart, let alone life. Lets be honest, life gets pretty shitty sometimes and then there are times when it becomes something beyond happiness, sometimes within a matter of minutes! Yet the same heart pumps the same blood, not always to the same rhythm but then again doesn't that prove the power in emotion? Hormones, thoughts, physical activity & life all effect the rhythm of our heart. Faster, faster and then slower. Those moments when your heart is about to break through your chest and that moment when you feel it shrink & causes you to loose your breathe. Same heart, still beating.

Asking The Tough Questions

"Here's an idea. Stop thinking Jade, yeah, you heard me. I mean is what you're worrying about really that important? And will worrying about it all really change the situation you find yourself in? Will you ever actually be content enough to fall asleep at night without a thought crossing your mind? Or will you toss and turn till you wake up and find the whole world empty and they forgot to take you to be with peace?"

Breathe me.


Headphones in the ear and my volume bar is fully coloured. Never has music pierced into my soul and left a mark. Usually it's in one ear & out the other with me, with very little time to stick & manifest into something that I can't control. I never let it, I mean why should I? However when you are thirsty for that power of affection & honest answers you will consume whatever is in your reach. To which I am always left thirsty. Ah well, thank God for other options ey? I guess that's all I have to be honest about, God does deserve all the thanks. Even through all the crap & heartache, He manages to hold my hand. Never once looking me in the eye & telling me I need to be strong, but leaving room for me to not be okay. Leaving room for me to cry & loose my cool at the smallest of things. Because He knows they aren't really that small, He knows very well that they are the biggest of things, my breathing apparatus & ironically the complete opposite. My life lines are running thin yet my smile never lies. My eyes do, but don't we all have our bad habits? Loosing more control over my choice of words rather than my ability to react and let me tell you, my reaction to life is unpredictable. The ones that know that already are one step ahead of me & reach it before I do.


"Here's an idea. Stop thinking Jade, yeah you heard me..."
and Here's what I say to that.... Thank-you for listening to me.


Signing off,
You're sleepless girl.